Gosh, tonight was so not my night.
I've puked twice already and my stomach is giving me grief again ): Please go away soon, you're making my life utterly miserable. Tell me, how can one be happy when one is denied one's source of joy and contentment- which is food in my case? I can't enjoy my food properly when my stomach feels like it's gonna burst soon, burst with acid that is. Hydrochloric acid, to be exact. Bio, anyone? It's been hurting for over a week now, and it's making me unable to function optimally. I think I might need to pay a visit to the doc's soon before I collapse and die if not from pain, then grief at not being able to get the same amount of pleasure food usually gives me. So help me, God.
And better yet, on top of the not-too-hot stomach aches, my mom decided that watching television was no longer exciting or stimulating enough, and that she needed something more interactive, so yep, she turned to yours truly for some interactive entertainment. And was it one hell of an entertainment session. We were this short of redefining FUN. Oh yeah.
Meeting Jonny in about 8 hours, and the rest of the kickass dance gang later (: Let's hope I won't oversleep since I'm still up at this ungodly hour. Just don't feel like going to sleep yet, my stomach has yet to settle ): And I'm on the phone with Rachieeeeee (Yes, we females are awesome at multi-tasking. Let's hear it for oestrogen) felt like I haven't talked to her since forever, although it has only been 4 days. But still, but still. Missed you many many, Rachie! So glad that you're back <3
Speaking of hormones. Really, what is it about the genetic makeups of the males and females that makes us so different? Sorry if I'm gonna offend any big tough chauvinistic guy out there, it's just the feminist in me speaking (not me at all), but concluding from the episode that I had had with my brother after dinner, males are generally slower. Either that or they just like to play make believe. Take my brother for example. It was after dinner, and we were washing up, he was found by my sister holding his plate of unwanted food, staring at the dustbin. Yep, just standing there and staring at the dustbin. The problem? There were no plastic bags layering the bin. Getting just the slightest bit annoyed, I commented. This was how it went.
Me : Erm, you feeling alright?
Bro: Yeah, why?
Me: You plan on moving anytime soon? It's alright ya know, we've got all the time in the world to do these dishes.
Bro: Oh. There are no plastic bags in the bin.
Me: (thinking he expected me to do something about it and got irritated) Oh no! What do we do now? Maybe if you stare hard enough the plastic bag would appear. Do let's try!
At which he responded by giving me a dirty look. At least he didn't miss the sarcasm. Thank goodness.
Anyway, I know I was supposed to post the stuff that's been going on in my head for the past week, and trust me, the "stuff" are pretty heavy going, heavy enough to make me feel more than a little upset. And the worst thing is, I don't know what to do to make myself feel better like how I'd normally know. It's a moth and flame situation really. But more on that soon. Not now. Not yet.
Alrightie, guess my stomach has gotten all the settling it needs. Sleep is calling and I'm more than glad to heed its call. At least you can't feel inferior when you're sleeping. Or can you?
I thought I've got it all figured out. Then you come and confuse the hell outta me. Now I'm back to square one.
Dammit. ):
"Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby?
Right now, I feel invisible to you 
LIke I'm not real
Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you
Why'd you turn away?
So here's what I have to say
Why should I care?
Cuz you weren't there when I was scared
I was so alone.
You, you need to listen
I'm starting to trip
I'm losing my grip
and I'm in this thing alone.
Am I just some chick you place beside you,
to take somebody's place?
When you turn around, can you recognise my face?
You used to love me, you used to hug me
But that wasn't the case
Everything isn't Ok.
I was left to cry there
Waiting outside there
Grinning with the last stare
That's when I decided"
Yes, I've decided.
To revive my blog before it dies, and yet hoping to save my eyes from the big bad BAGS - 'hoping' being the keyword here- I shall post a few cute pictures and not blog much tonight though I have a million and one things to say. And the million and one things shall come up here tomorrow. Surely I need to vent/rant/complain/muse about life in general before I go into overdrive. So more tomorrow then (:
Oh trust me, when you're young and foolish, it doesn't seem that amazing really.
Yep. I am free. I can just see freedom behind these bars.
Wheeeeeeee... Did some makeover stuff to my blog (:
Cleared the columns and added a twitter update box. Yep, I'm infinitely proud of myself for being able to grope through this one cuz I didn't know what the hell I was doing half the time.
Anyhoo, need to catch my forty winks or I'd just die tomorrow later during dance prac and Jonny would need to put up with a cranky bum who wouldn't be able to catch coolio choreos with him. See, proof of my sleepiness- I start talking crap.
Alright then, I'd say adieu- for now.
Right. More postings after my shower. Just had to get this picture up cuz it's so pretty :)
But I guess I'll never get that chance again now, will I?
... Or do you?
But I know I wouldn't. Not anymore.
I fucking can't breathe.
Just get the fuck off my back before I do things that you and I would regret. Really. I can only tolerate so much. I'm not your fucking dog so you can't pull me by a leash, chain me up, or make me play dead like I don't have a fucking mind of my own. How the hell do I put this across to you?
Right now I feel like I'm suffocating. Literally. I wanna scream, cry and lash out but I can't cause then you'd know that I'm upset. And I'm not allowed to be upset. Why? Cause I'm not supposed to have a mind of my own remember? I can't be upset because then you'd know that I have feelings. And oh no, we can't have that. Cause in your world, everyone revolves around you, only your feelings, ideas and what you have to say matters. Just you and no one else's. Oh Great One, I can't tell you enough how your very presence chokes the fucking life out of me. Ever considered sending me to the mechanics? Or the vet's? So they can fix me up and fuck with my ability to feel and think- let someone else do the dirty work for you so you'd still be able to keep up the charade of perfection, so that you'd be able to do the thinking and feeling for me. Because only then would I behave exactly the way you want me to- like a fucking zombie. Doesn't that sound ideal to you? Tempting isn't it? Sometimes I feel like I need to be fixed too. Put me in straits jackets and throw me into rooms lined from floor to ceiling with white cushions. At least then I can scream and cry without being put on trials for being human. They might be too vulgar for you so you'd better sit that one out.
Sometimes I wonder why you don't just lock me up, put me in an empty glass box so that you can still survey me, keep an eye on my every move and watch out for my every mistake. Did my breathing disturb you? I can stop it. Did my blinking irritate you? I can sew my eyes up so I wouldn't blink anymore. But only if you want me to.
Only when you want me to.
...And maybe tonight I can breathe for awhile.
" You're bout a 5. I'm a 9. Do the math, baby. "
I've come to a very disturbing conclusion these past 2 days. And although it's much easier to run away from it, pretend that all is right, I know that I'd have to deal with this sooner or later. The question here is when I'd do it and would I regret it. After all it seems like such a pity that something that could have been so wonderful turned out to be so disappointing. But maybe I'd learn from this, learn alot from it in fact. And I can walk away from it all knowing that I have no regrets, that at least I'd given it a shot and that the story was not left untold. Just that this particular one didn't have a very happy ending.
I don't know, am I even doing right by having these thoughts? Am I being rash? Really, would I regret going through with this? The last time I decided to, and went through with something like this I ended up regretting big time. It still haunts me every night, ghosting through my mind at the most unexpected of times. The pain of losing more than what you thought you gave would make you think twice, wouldn't it? Or is there really nothing to be lost at all? Am I just taking the easy way out? Cause the truth hurts, the truth hurts alot.
I wouldn't say that the whole thing was a mistake because I didn't, don't and will not regret having been given a chance to go through this. At least now I'd know. But how much do I know, really?
